Here I am, wrapped up in my soft, white blanket and listening to a chorus of young'ns screaming the lyrics to a Backstreet Boys song. "Aint no lie, baby bye-bye-byeeeeee!!!"

I stayed up too late last night. And tonight as well already! (But it's right to bed with me after this entry.) I must make a habit of going to sleep around the same time everyday. (11pm seems reasonable.) I've read that that helps with deeper and more restful sleeping in the long run. God knows I need it. I feel somehow that I should pamper myself in terms of good sleep for perhaps a year more (to make up for those worse times). Maybe it's a silly idea, but at least it's healthy. =P

There is a character in a TV show called "Ugly Betty" - the protagonist in fact. She's "chubby" (I've been so for most of my life), independent, has less than perfect hair, and is an honest person with a genuine aspect. I identify with her, in a way. For one, I have crazy hair. And I've already mentioned the chubby bit. I consider myself fairly independent - though I have some emotional needs I think that have not been yet met. But something else has been bugging me lately... It has to do with honesty. And being "brutally honest" with myself most of all. (Remember that? My "brutally honest" phase... I learned a lot. I need to be able to retain what I've learned and continue to apply those things.)

Thoughts from the day!

- Do you consider yourself to be an honest person? Why or why not?

- To what end is insanity 'okay' or progressive, or even healthy/wholesome? What is 'sane' to you?

- What, if anything, do you consider to be impossible?

- What is consciousness? Who are you that makes assessments, and professes to feel?

- What is intuition and do you 'believe' in it?

- What is lasting happiness or joy? Is it possible to have (this depends, potentially, on how you might define it)? To what end should we seek it?

I like having messy hair, I've decided. I'll try not to care too much about the messiness factor any longer, for this reason. =)

I checked out 'The Importance of Being Earnest' and 'War and Peace' from Lamont (the movies, not the books)! I've read one and plan someday to read the other.

To work! ... =)

http://www.web-us.com/brain/LRBrain.html*

[[Preface: I know how odd the following sounds...]]

Before, there was a heaviness and darkness in both. Eyes and head, on the inside. Very distinct sensation, especially with eyes closed. There's now light on the right side. (Which made me curious about the brain and processing.*) In addition, I still feel the same heaviness and darkness in/on the other (left). It's as if it's dry, heavy ... dark. Weird-weird-weird. But there is nothing that cannot be overcome. In this phase I take the following focusses: centralize conception of self a bit further, develop left side of the brain, allow self to process emotions in that deeper way again.

Sorry if it's all just too odd. These really are simply notes for myself concerning my personal progress. =) I often call it rebuilding because when the shit hit the fan (forgive me, but the stringent language is appropriate) it reduced me to nothing. Worse than nothing? And here I observe the rebuilding and the practice of things.

Had a very important conversation with my mother tonight - half in Spanish. She is one of the sweetest people I know. A thing which happened to come up: If I had not shovelled in a substantial amount of effort at that particular time (to contact him, to keep conversation from explosion, etc.), I would not be in a relationship with him currently. I wish I could let it go, god I wish it -- but it remains to be unsettling for me.

There are days I feel weak. It was written all over me today. Not sad, just weak. Today my brain's off. Tomorrow is a DGI -- it had better turn on! (Day of Genuine Insanity)

Who is there in which to confide?
all things, great and small
odd, trivial - sane and insane
Who is there in which to confide?
the festering little corners of a fretting mind
or the twitching corners of an ecstatic one

Who is there with which to share?
boring moments at the market-line
the uplifting ones of unlikelihood
the peaceful ones of a biting morn --
rare tears, despair, soul-wear - who cares?

Who's there
who cares
'bout the winds
on the sea
And the trailing scent of a bitter coffee?

Who's there who cares
A bit, at all
'Bout the tumbling leaves 'fore they fall?

(Attempting a style I happen only to like depending on mood. Terrible reason [not] to like something, I know. It just seems to lack effort!)

Sadly, one answer is the lady who is paid to listen and care about my memories and currently feelings. I'm very thankful, in truth. I can have a sit, and she can get paid to watch me cry for a bit, if I happen to feel it. (Gah! Enough with the unintentional rhyming.) That's only happened once (Monday) mind you. But the point is that I could, anytime. And I wouldn't be alone doing so, nor would I be creating a scene or distracting some friend or other -- or distressing anyone who isn't getting paid to "care". And I believe she does, at least to a certain extent ...

Last thought: Life is never summed in one moment. It is a large collection. People are not summed in one thing or other either. And our bodies are just lumps. Masses being propelled about by our wills. (Philosophically that's debatable, but since I do not claim to be asserting anything other than my opinion - I can say what I like!) What a world.

Enough.

Good-a-night!

I can JUGGLE! At least the basic three balls. I haven't counted how many times, but I can keep it going for quite some time. =) Now to practice a bit, then learn tricks! Then move on to more balls.

From Theaetetus (during a tangent in the discussion on a Protagorus' philosophy that "man is the measure" of all things):

"These are the two types, Theodorus. There is the on who has been brought up in true freedom and leisure, the man you call a philosopher; a man to whom it is no disgrace to appear simple and good-for-nothing when he is confronted with menial tasks, when for instance, he doesn't know how to make a bed, or how to sweeten a sauce or a flattering speech. Then you have the other, the man who is keen and smart at doing all these jobs, but does not know how to strike up a song in his turn like a free man, or how to tune the strings of a common speech to the fitting praise of the life of gods and of the happy among men."

Later, on the unjust man:

"When it comes to giving and taking an account in a private discussion of the things he disparages; when he is willing to stand his ground like a man for long enough, instead of running away like a coward, the, my friend, an odd thing happens. In the end the things he says do not satisfy even himself; that famous eloquence of his somehow dries up, and he is left looking nothing more than a child."

In other news: I have one eye open and the other closed. (Or, at least one can see light and the other still caged in darkness.) This is progress. =)

Back to it! Tah!